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When Did You Realize? My sister and I were talking today about her daughters having to go through adjustments. She has always been there to make things work for them. Up until now they always felt she was invincible. Now that she is too sick to work they have to face the fact that she can’t do everything. The point at which we realize that our caretaker parent is not “superman” seems to be a memorable developmental mile stone. My sister said hers was around age 11 when she saw my dad out of control for the first time. Although it never happened again she said that her little girl’s world was shattered by the realization that he was not “superman”. She said that most of her friends had a similar point of revelation. Looking back over my life I am unable to remember a time when felt I was completely safe and that someone would take care of things and me. I wondered why. My situation was quite different from hers. She is actually a half-sister from my father’s side. My mother and father separated when I was less than 2. My mother was always emotionally distant and left me mostly in the care of a grandmother. Grandma had a very strong European immigrant work ethic. Her primary work was managing the farm so I was looked after by whom ever. I never neglected, not cared for or felt deprived or needy but somehow I grew up with the idea that no one was invincible. As an adult I have real issues trusting anyone to take care of me or my needs. I did learn to rely on my husband for some things and to allow him to “share the load” but I have never been able to feel that I could count on anyone 100%. Since he passed I find myself unable to allow myself to be in a situation of depending or counting on anyone for anything. I’m very curious about this. Did you ever feel that there was someone who was “superman”? If so when did you realize they weren’t ? Spiritwoman ^i^ |
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I guess when I realized that my Dad was getting old and needed looking after. That was when I realized that he wasn't the Superman I had always regarded him has being. He came and lived with me during his final years and our roles were reversed, I had to be Superman and look after him. I don't know if this comment will appear or not, everything seems to be frozen on the blogs today and yesterday. Alfie...
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Spirit: I think your my sister. LOL My mother had 6 children - me being second to youngest. Mom always worked 2 to 3 jobs after divorcing my birth father. I remember physical fights between them and constant chaos in our house. My definitely loved us but she was never available physically our emotionally even in her later years. My sisters have always been distant with me and was worse after my mother died. I'm the black sheep. The times in my adult life that I've trusted someone ended poorly. I've learned to be a survivor. When I met my late husband Mac he taught me how to trust, how to count on someone. We counted on each other. He passed last August. He was the only "Superman" I've known in my life. I shared everything with him. He know more about me than my family and my close friends. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to share my space or time with anyone. I don't have the energy to learn to trust someone again. It would take a venerability that I'm not comfortable with. Bruja The wealth of a soul is measured by how much it can feel; its poverty by how little. W. R. Inge
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Hi sw, My parents were too busy working to put food on the table so we were pretty much left on our own. The only one who resembled a superman was a senior in school who was also my assistant scout master but i quickly found out that he was not and since then, had depended on myself. Lee Live today as if it is your last For tomorrow will soon be in the past
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8/16/2012 11:09 pm |
I don't remember when I happened to me. But I'm acutely aware of the phenomenon now. I was always a very strong, dependable and solid parent. Both my kids sometimes resented me, but they always respected me, even when they tried to show disrespect. Now my sons are both grown, and occasionally seem a bit resentful at my loss of capabilities. Neither one would ever say that, but I can tell they fear me becoming weaker. I've always been the rock they could trust. They always knew, and still know, I'm there for them. But now, they may fear I can't protect them, and that I may be giving up on them by giving up on life so soon. (I'm not suicidal. I'm just not concerned about living or dieing. When it comes, so be it. I'm ready.) GREETINGS EARTHLINGS! I COME IN PEACE! TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER. Klatu, baraba nicto.
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8/17/2012 10:01 am |
I don't remember when I happened to me. But I'm acutely aware of the phenomenon now. I was always a very strong, dependable and solid parent. Both my kids sometimes resented me, but they always respected me, even when they tried to show disrespect. Now my sons are both grown, and occasionally seem a bit resentful at my loss of capabilities. Neither one would ever say that, but I can tell they fear me becoming weaker. I've always been the rock they could trust. They always knew, and still know, I'm there for them. But now, they may fear I can't protect them, and that I may be giving up on them by giving up on life so soon. (I'm not suicidal. I'm just not concerned about living or dieing. When it comes, so be it. I'm ready.) Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/17/2012 10:03 am |
What a contrast and what a harsh way to learn the big lesson that none of us can depend on anyone other than ourselves. But you did it and became a strong person. Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/17/2012 10:03 am |
Interesting blog. Well, I got married early, age 17,and I was angry with my new husband about something, and compared him negatively to my father, and he said angrily to me, "your father puts his pants on like any other man and will do the same things any other man will do". I was just besides myself with disdain for him and called my father to tell him what this infidel had said. Well, dad was a quiet man, rarely got excited about anything, and just quietly chuckled and said, "your'e old enough now not to let what people say upset you". Actually, I wanted him to quietly, but firmly, as he did when I was in school, tell people what he would not tolerate where his children were concerned. He did none of this. As a matter of fact he would not even speak to my husband. I thought about this for awhile, and finally accepted that my father was just a man, no super hero, just a man. The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page: St. Augustine
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8/17/2012 10:04 am |
I guess when I realized that my Dad was getting old and needed looking after. That was when I realized that he wasn't the Superman I had always regarded him has being. He came and lived with me during his final years and our roles were reversed, I had to be Superman and look after him. I don't know if this comment will appear or not, everything seems to be frozen on the blogs today and yesterday. Alfie... Spiritwoman ^i^
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Once again, my observation here seems to have been swallowed by the SFF, SpiritGirl.  Almost all my life I believed my Father was colossus and my Mom a Goddess in her own way till they were terminally ill. I realised of their vulnerabilities when I was in mid 20s but they still were on a pedestal for me all those years for the reason that they always had an answer to all problems - it may not have been very effective exactly in response to the problem at hand but it did suggest a good and right way. That probably was because of their own spoken and practiced value system. Many thanks for this post/query - it gives food for thought. I am trying to analyse when my son started thinking of me less than a super hero   .Have a wonderful weekend, My dear Friend.   "To fight the darkness do not draw your sword, light a candle" - Zarathustra
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8/18/2012 9:03 pm |
For the first time in my life I fully realize that I CAN'T depend on anyone or anything for anything. That save for my two beloved elderly sister-cats..I am totally on my own(gasp!) I had lots of 'supermans' at different times/stages of my life. These very 'supermen have all either passed on or were 'fair-weather' friends..you know..noone loves you when you're down and out(at least for me). It's a sad, lonely, lost feeling..
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8/19/2012 9:22 pm |
You just have to hide the good stuff better. My only safe hiding place was taking the battery pack out of an adult toy and keeping my pot in it. Son never bothered it there. Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/19/2012 9:28 pm |
Spirit: I think your my sister. LOL My mother had 6 children - me being second to youngest. Mom always worked 2 to 3 jobs after divorcing my birth father. I remember physical fights between them and constant chaos in our house. My definitely loved us but she was never available physically our emotionally even in her later years. My sisters have always been distant with me and was worse after my mother died. I'm the black sheep. The times in my adult life that I've trusted someone ended poorly. I've learned to be a survivor. When I met my late husband Mac he taught me how to trust, how to count on someone. We counted on each other. He passed last August. He was the only "Superman" I've known in my life. I shared everything with him. He know more about me than my family and my close friends. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to share my space or time with anyone. I don't have the energy to learn to trust someone again. It would take a venerability that I'm not comfortable with. Bruja Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/19/2012 9:31 pm |
I too am learning that I will have to face that challenge one day soon but as I tell people about the other negatives that come with aging "Today is not the day". Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/19/2012 9:33 pm |
My step mother was one of the "lucky" ones for most of her life. However now, in her senior years, she finds herself in a situation where, while plenty of us help with the critical things, no one takes care of all of her things. Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/19/2012 9:36 pm |
Interesting blog. Well, I got married early, age 17,and I was angry with my new husband about something, and compared him negatively to my father, and he said angrily to me, "your father puts his pants on like any other man and will do the same things any other man will do". I was just besides myself with disdain for him and called my father to tell him what this infidel had said. Well, dad was a quiet man, rarely got excited about anything, and just quietly chuckled and said, "your'e old enough now not to let what people say upset you". Actually, I wanted him to quietly, but firmly, as he did when I was in school, tell people what he would not tolerate where his children were concerned. He did none of this. As a matter of fact he would not even speak to my husband. I thought about this for awhile, and finally accepted that my father was just a man, no super hero, just a man. Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/19/2012 9:40 pm |
For the first time in my life I fully realize that I CAN'T depend on anyone or anything for anything. That save for my two beloved elderly sister-cats..I am totally on my own(gasp!) I had lots of 'supermans' at different times/stages of my life. These very 'supermen have all either passed on or were 'fair-weather' friends..you know..noone loves you when you're down and out(at least for me). It's a sad, lonely, lost feeling.. Spiritwoman ^i^
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8/19/2012 9:42 pm |
Once again, my observation here seems to have been swallowed by the SFF, SpiritGirl. Almost all my life I believed my Father was colossus and my Mom a Goddess in her own way till they were terminally ill. I realised of their vulnerabilities when I was in mid 20s but they still were on a pedestal for me all those years for the reason that they always had an answer to all problems - it may not have been very effective exactly in response to the problem at hand but it did suggest a good and right way. That probably was because of their own spoken and practiced value system. Many thanks for this post/query - it gives food for thought. I am trying to analyse when my son started thinking of me less than a super hero .Have a wonderful weekend, My dear Friend. Glad to hear that you had such wonderful parental guidance. Spiritwoman ^i^
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