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'2' for English 2/17/2009
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 2/9/2009
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience: 2/2/2009
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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Tour 1/28/2009
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through the process of cheese making, explaining
that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These'
she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What
do you do in ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT....... 1/28/2009
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent
football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior
citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the
older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for
many of those nearby to hear. "The young ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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PUN INTENDED 1/21/2009
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Gramps has his hands full 1/21/2009
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and
his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious
Gramps has his hands full with the screaming for candy in the candy
aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in
a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,
boy.' ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Perfect Diet 1/21/2009
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina
chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder and was
in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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What? 1/21/2009
A Jewish lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to bite
into her meal when she turns to the man sitting alone at the table next
to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know.
I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin.
Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled
any ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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NEW MEDS 1/17/2009
Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come
up with some great > new stuff to make life easier.
• St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were
as ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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Hillbilly went hunting 1/16/2009
A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about
to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden
who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting
license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting
license.
The game warden looked at the ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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Sunday Paper 1/16/2009
For all of us who are --- seniors ---
for all of you who know --- seniors ---
and for all of you who --- will be seniors ---
Sunday Paper . . . . .
'WHERE Is My SUNDAY PAPER?' The irate customer
calling
the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know
why
her Sunday edition had not yet ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Whatever you give 1/16/2009
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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New movie project 1/16/2009
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly
desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars,
so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers
they wished to portray, as long as they were famous. ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
0 Votes
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SERENITY 1/16/2009
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98, ' she
replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96, ' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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One of these days 1/7/2009
Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
evening. *** How do you start a small business these days? Simple, buy a big one and wait. *** The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean,
I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it
turns out I'm now North Carolina's fourth biggest
lender. *** Q: What is the difference ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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A couple new add-ons to an old one 1/7/2009
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection
for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry
and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1, 000
miles to the gallon.'
...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Monastery in Europe 1/7/2009
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high
on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in
a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who
pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was
terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about
half-way ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
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The store wasn't ready 1/6/2009
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior
is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious senior walked to the window, had a ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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A Kentucky Ghost Story 1/3/2009
> This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro,
> Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River.
While > it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's
indeed > real. > An out of state traveler was walking along the side
of the > road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a > thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went
by It was > raining so hard he could barely ...
1 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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The Mule and The Mother In Law 9/16/2008
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While
they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood
near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The
pastor noticed that ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Celibacy 9/13/2008
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each other.
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Need a good laugh 8/10/2008
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these 's
science exam answers
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Church 7/18/2008
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her and tell
him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
'I'm not going.' 'Why not?' she asked. I'll give you two good reasons, ' he said. '(1),
they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons
why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!' ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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New Living Will Form 7/1/2008
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't
pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it
or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running
up ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE 6/28/2008
DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE
I met this guy awhile ago, and he has A motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and
Live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'No, but he then told me to listen
While he explained his four rules. So here they are :
1. DRINK from the 'springs of living water' every
day.
2. STEAL a ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Touring Toronto 6/25/2008
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves
on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind
us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers
please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday
yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month, ' ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Need to hunt 6/24/2008
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and
go hunting so he approached his assistant.
'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic.'
'I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Retired project 6/19/2008
I've often been asked, 'What do you people do now that you're retired?'
Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry background and
one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon,
scotch, gin, vodka, and wine into urine.
And, by golly, we're pretty damn good at it!!
0 Comments, 18 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Chicken crossed the road 6/16/2008
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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