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GOOD OLD JOKES 1/15/2008
BUT, I'm not implying that you're OLD !!!
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family ...
2 Comments, 72 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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... BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH 11/25/2007
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits
down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went
by your grandma 's house today and I saw her in the hallway
butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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Upset Golfer 10/25/2007
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match
with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy!
I'd give anything to sink this putt, " the golfer
mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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lost my wallet 8/31/2007
A guy named Moe, traveling through Mexico on vacation,
lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by a U.S. Customs Agent
at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks
the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet, " replies
Moe.
"Sure buddy. I hear that every day. No ID, no entry, " ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Evolution in Teaching Math Since the 1950s 8/31/2007
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells ...
1 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Groaner 8/30/2007
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant.
'George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, George, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Moaner 8/30/2007
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make
such an obvious error, he replied,
...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
0 Votes
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IF Their Mothers were Jewish 8/20/2007
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money
your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't
care what you've discovered, you didn't call,
you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you
paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other
? Do you know how hard it is to get that ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
0 Votes
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Right On 8/9/2007
A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included 20 Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian
and French Navies.
At a reception, he found himself standing with a huge group
of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Strange 8/5/2007
1000 people tell a joke.
1 guy says ROFLMAO.
Pretty funny, huh?
1 Comments, 94 Views,
3 Votes
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Understanding Women 7/16/2007
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, Lord, grant me one wish.suddenly
the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man
said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want to".
The Lord said, Your ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 7/16/2007
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Did you kno... 7/14/2007
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Gender ? Male or Female... 7/14/2007
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time
just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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It is hunting season 7/13/2007
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean
and serve the venison for supper. He knows his are fussy
eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he
does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's
for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his keeps asking
what they're eating.
...
2 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score
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Duties 7/10/2007
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Guardian Angel on the Job 7/10/2007
This is worth sharing the giggles too  
Guardian Angel on the Job
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was
going to cross the ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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Three Arkansas Surgeons 7/8/2007
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries > they had performed. > > One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in
Arkansas . In my favorite > case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident,
I reattached > them, > and 8 months later he performed a private concert for
the Queen of England. > > The second surgeon said. "That's nothing.
A young man lost an ...
3 Comments, 60 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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Second time around 7/7/2007
Jim was in his early 50s, retired from the Marine Corps,
and started a second career. However, he just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, real sharp, so his boss was in a quandary
about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day the boss called him into the office for
a talk. "Jim, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 7/7/2007
A woman walked into the kitchen
to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on ...
2 Comments, 95 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Never take your husband/male friend shopping 7/6/2007
Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.
Letter:
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your
family from ever shopping with us unless your husband
stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses
over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras.
...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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The Putt 7/5/2007
A father, and grandson go out to the country club for
their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a
beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches
them. She
explains that the member who brought her to the club for
a round of
golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the
trio whether
she can join them.
Naturally, the ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Where we can help 7/5/2007
Hi,
>
> This has been passed to me from a friend.
>
> Rules for the Non Military
> Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state
of
> affairs in our great
> nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to
> join the military.
> For those of you who can't join, you can still lend
> a hand. Here are a
> few of the areas where we would like your
> assistance:
> ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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The Frog Wants $$$$$$$ 7/5/2007
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan
to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30, 000." The teller asks his
name and the frog says that his name ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
18 Votes
,1.08 Score
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OOOPS 6/12/2007
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had \bsexo?\b before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his ...
1 Comments, 1313 Views,
100 Votes
,6.64 Score
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Marketing 5/27/2007
Grocery store music -- Surround Sound >The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic
water mister to keep >the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, > >you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell
of fresh rain. > >When you approach the milk cases, >you hear cows mooing > > >and witness the scent of fresh hay. > >When you approach the egg case, >you hear hens cluck and cackle > > ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Recipe 5/24/2007
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when
he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work
for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent
an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds
crazy but it actually ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Lady walks into a Pharmacy 5/23/2007
A nice, calm & respectable woman went into a pharmacy,
looked the Pharmacist straight into his eyes & said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big & he exclaimed,
"Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Real Compassion 5/17/2007
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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How To Shower Like A Woman/Man 5/17/2007
How To Shower Like a Woman: Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental
note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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