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Humor 7/2/2006
A father walks into a book store with his young . The boy
is
holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in
the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and
sipping a cup ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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Texas Humor 7/2/2006
Survivor, Texas Style
<br>
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning
to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to
Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed
up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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who got the last laugh 7/2/2006
Adam was talking to god in the garden of eden and told him
he was feeling lonely.
God told adam he could make him a companion that would pamper
to his every need and whim.Cook for him, clean for him, share
his worries and pain and still have time to satisfy his every
desire, but it would cost him an arm and a leg.
Adam thought about it for a while and then said to god that
the price was ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
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Humor 7/2/2006
A man in Denver decided to write a book about churches around
the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which
read "$10, 000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor,
he asked about the ...
1 Comments, 346 Views,
44 Votes
,5.46 Score
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Job Description for a Dalmatian 7/2/2006
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The
started discussing the dog's duties.
<br>
"They use him to keep crowds back, " said one
youngster.
<br>
"No, " said another, "he's just
for good luck"
<br>
A third brought the ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Coffee for Grandma 7/2/2006
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
cup of coffee in her life.
<br>
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little
green Army men in the cup.
<br>
She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?"
<br>
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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The Pregnant Fireman 7/2/2006
" Give me a sentence about a public servant, "
said a teacher.
<br>
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
<br>
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
<br>
Sure, " said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a ."
1 Comments, 105 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Learning to Make Babies 7/2/2006
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
<br>
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. "That's interesting, " she
said. "How do you make babies?"
<br>
"It's simple, " replied the girl. "You
just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
<br>
(Why wouldn't an English ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
20 Votes
,3.64 Score
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20,000 Leaks 7/2/2006
Our five-year-old Mark couldn't wait to tell his
friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20, 000
Leagues Under the Sea."
<br>
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had
kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband
interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to
sink?"
<br>
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Learning the Ten Commandments 7/2/2006
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was.
<br>
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall
not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
1 Comments, 54 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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Grandma's Age 7/2/2006
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied
"I'm not sure."
<br>
"Look in your underwear, Grandma, " he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
1 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Grandma & God 7/2/2006
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?"
<br>
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
are we alike?"
<br>
"You're both old, " he said.
1 Comments, 78 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
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Grandma's Childhood 7/2/2006
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree
in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods."
<br>
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
1 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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A Grandchild's Freckles 7/2/2006
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of were waiting in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger
paws.
<br>
"You've got so many freckles, there's no
place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little
fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his ...
1 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP 7/2/2006
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
<br>
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
<br>
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
<br>
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
<br>
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
<br>
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
<br>
7. ...
2 Comments, 256 Views,
31 Votes
,6.59 Score
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OMGGG.......he was too cute!! 7/2/2006
When I was living in Australia I got involved in a very sweet
relationship with a man who was 10 years younger than me.
(Now over in Australia men AND women really dont seem to
get too hung up on age) We shared many of the day to day things
such as meal preparation. We also got into some wonderful
discussions after evening tea. One evening we were discussing
humor and how in different ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Golden Anniversary 7/2/2006
One day Ole and Lars met for coffee at the local restaurant.
After visiting awhile, Lars said, "Ole, I hear your
50th wedding anniversary is coming up. Are you doing something
special to celebrate?"
<br>
Ole answered, "Yes, I guess so. On our 25th anniversary,
I took Lena to visit Norway, and we had a really good time.
I thought for our 50th anniversary, I'd go back and
pick ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Why Men are Dogs and Women are Cats 7/2/2006
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out
bulb?
<br>
2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
<br>
3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Texans in Heaven 7/2/2006
For those of you who do live or have lived in Texas, and those
of you who are their friends ...
<br>
<br>
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to
you, I have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing
some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my
horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes,
ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Simple Logic 7/2/2006
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those littlebottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE
<br>
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
<br>
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known
as the "Bucs, " what ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Harold Was an Old Man 7/2/2006
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in a nursing home.
<br>
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every
time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And
how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath,
or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this
particular nurse.
<br>
...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
0 Votes
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Ramblings of a Retired Mind 7/2/2006
Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
<br>
<br>
<br>
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford
one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
<br>
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
<br>
I was thinking that women ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
0 Votes
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A Carrot, an Egg and a cup of Coffee 7/2/2006
There's a reason I like coffee
<br>
<br>
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look
at a cup of coffee the same way again.
<br>
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she
was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of
fighting and struggling. It seemed as ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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IDIOTS AT WORK 7/2/2006
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of
the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete
the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See 7/2/2006
Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you're
an ass.
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
Impotence:Â nature's way of saying, "No hard
feelings."
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
The proctologist called. They found your head.
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
<br>
<br>
Â
...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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Don't Be Late!!! 7/2/2006
Don't be late!
<br>
<br>
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided
to say his own few words while they ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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Grandma's Birth Control 7/2/2006
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been prescribed for her.
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Fear the Word! 7/2/2006
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
<br>
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.
<br>
As the officer cuffed ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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A Cat Story.... 7/2/2006
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
<br>
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard.
<br>
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front ...
2 Comments, 116 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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Don't Fart in Bed 7/2/2006
(If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I will pray for you. Beware - sit down
and make sure you have nothing in your mouth before reading.
We can't have you falling over or choking!)
<br>
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every ...
1 Comments, 218 Views,
21 Votes
,5.23 Score
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